Listen: How to Find the Words for Tender Conversations
By Kathryn Mannix
Published by William Collins 16th September 2021
Having re-read With the End in Mind several times, I was thrilled to learn of Dr Mannix's new book.
It does exactly what it says in the title and so very much more. Don't be misled by the word 'tender', this is not filled with feel-good buzzwords and anodyne sops. It is a loving, kind, gentle way of really, really listening to what someone is saying to you and how important it is to really think hard about what is NOT being said, just as much as what IS being said.
It can be incredibly difficult to initiate difficult, embarrassing or life-altering conversations whether with loved ones, friends or people you may not know particularly well, but these can be such important conversations to have. They may involve emotional, physical or mental health issues, issues about terminal illness or sexuality, careers or lifestyle choices as well as ethical issues.
How does one start such conversations or encourage/enable such conversations? There are no easy fixes but Dr Mannix gives remarkably detailed scenarios where situations are propelled almost inexorably down one avenue or another by the way someone reacts to a situation or conversation. Could it have been handled better? How?
I read it straight through in one sitting, simultaneously enthralled, gob-smacked and then horrified in equal measure. It is a wonderful book, full of the wit, compassion and wisdom so very obvious throughout her first book, so why was I so taken aback?
I can now see that there were so many occasions when as a parent I inadvertently de-railed sensitive and important conversations by being so 'helpful' and 'problem-solving' that I didn't actually stop to think that wasn't actually what was needed from me at that point. I was still kind, I was still compassionate, but I didn't see what was right in front of me and how I could have handled some conversations and situations quite, quite differently instead of trying to fix things.
I can't do much about the past, but I can certainly endeavour to do better in the future.
This is a truly superb book, highly recommended.
Many thanks to the publisher and Net Galley for allowing me access to a digital ARC.
