It is amazing just how therapeutic a good long walk in the rain with the dog has been today.
I do love my whole family dearly, but sometimes I find it hard to find consistent patience, humility and love in the way I behave towards them.
Sometimes I`m fed up, irritable, grumpy, and resent having to do things for them instead of being able to do things for myself. Once last week I caught myself yelling at the young ones "Why do I always have to do everything in this house ? Do I have slave tattooed on my forehead ?".
And these are the children I have been blessed with, whom I love dearly and for whom I would lay down my life if needed. God help my enemies, that`s all I can say.......
The reason why I have to do things is because I have a family and I am privileged to be able to care for and love them. So many women would love to have what I have, yet they cannot.
I am ashamed.
At heart I am a proud and selfish person who thinks she deserves more than she has got from life. And it is complete drivel. Objectively,I can see I have been so lucky, so blessed to have had the experiences and relationships and family that I have had, yet I always hanker after more. Another book, another chocolate bar, another anything.
Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be able to be content with the abundance I already have, instead of wanting more and more, and what is worse, thinking I deserve more and more and more......
I don`t deserve any of it. Everything I have is a blessing and a gift from God, and I repay Him by being grouchy , angry, resentful and selfish.
So it is obviously time for Confession, to have a good housekeeping of my soul and conscience, to receive my spiritual prescription and medicine. I know my arthritis and fibro have really kicked in again over the last few weeks with a vengeance, but I don`t think that will cut much ice at the Dread Judgement Seat, somehow ... I need a kick up the keister, to be honest. And I know I will get it one when I go to Confession.
Better a humble Confession and a metaphorical kick up the keister now, then making my family unhappy.
Thanks to Mimi and Laura for their loving encouragement.
I will keep blogging unless my spiritual Father says otherwise.