Monday, October 09, 2006

Deep Thoughts

It is amazing just how therapeutic a good long walk in the rain with the dog has been today.

I do love my whole family dearly, but sometimes I find it hard to find consistent patience, humility and love in the way I behave towards them.
Sometimes I`m fed up, irritable, grumpy, and resent having to do things for them instead of being able to do things for myself. Once last week I caught myself yelling at the young ones "Why do I always have to do everything in this house ? Do I have slave tattooed on my forehead ?".

And these are the children I have been blessed with, whom I love dearly and for whom I would lay down my life if needed. God help my enemies, that`s all I can say.......

The reason why I have to do things is because I have a family and I am privileged to be able to care for and love them. So many women would love to have what I have, yet they cannot.
I am ashamed.

At heart I am a proud and selfish person who thinks she deserves more than she has got from life. And it is complete drivel. Objectively,I can see I have been so lucky, so blessed to have had the experiences and relationships and family that I have had, yet I always hanker after more. Another book, another chocolate bar, another anything.

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be able to be content with the abundance I already have, instead of wanting more and more, and what is worse, thinking I deserve more and more and more......

I don`t deserve any of it. Everything I have is a blessing and a gift from God, and I repay Him by being grouchy , angry, resentful and selfish.

So it is obviously time for Confession, to have a good housekeeping of my soul and conscience, to receive my spiritual prescription and medicine. I know my arthritis and fibro have really kicked in again over the last few weeks with a vengeance, but I don`t think that will cut much ice at the Dread Judgement Seat, somehow ... I need a kick up the keister, to be honest. And I know I will get it one when I go to Confession.
Better a humble Confession and a metaphorical kick up the keister now, then making my family unhappy.

Thanks to Mimi and Laura for their loving encouragement.
I will keep blogging unless my spiritual Father says otherwise.
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Mimi said...

Oh sigh, I so know what you mean. The other day my 10 year old wanted to live with his aunt, and after the hissy fit he'd recently thrown, it was hard to not pack for him...

Mary Poppins NOT said...

I took a long walk in the rain today, and I have to agree with you. Quite therapeutic.

I used to be a physical therapist, and with arthritis and fibro, it is difficult to know which comes first, the flare up or the emotional upset. One causes the other and vice versa, and it can get into a pretty viscous cycle. I hope you have some strategies to break that cycle. Meditative prayer is one of the best, and with your Eastern Christian back ground, I would suggest a round of Jesus Prayers or an Akathist. Or just silently sitting in the presence of your favorite icon. I'll light a candle for you!!!